I’ve been listening to NPR religiously in the morning for at least three years. This worries me. This is a real sign of fuddy-duddiness. I’ve even gone so far as to become a member, although I am too chicken to put the bumper sticker on my car. Even worse, I don’t watch TV anymore. No, I’m not one of those people — the main reason for my TV celibacy is because I’m too cheap to get cable. I believe that I deserve to get my network television the way my ancestors did before me, through a roof antenna, and the hell if I’m going to pay for network television + the basic cable channels. The Discovery Channel? Woo-freaking-hoo!

But like I said, I’m getting worried. My poker buddies are talking about this great new show on MTV, “The Osbournes“, which is kind of a reality show about the travails of aging rocker Ozzy Osbourne. (Sample exchange with his manager (and wife): “Sharon! I can’t have a bubble machine at my concert! I’m the bloody Prince of Darkness!”) The point is, I don’t know what’s going on. I’m losing touch. Missing out. I can compare and contrast the various hosts of “Talk of the Nation” (Ray Suarez 4ever!!!!!) but I have no clue what’s happening on Buffy this season. This is not good.

So yesterday I tried going through some of the other stations on my drive up to work. Here is what I discovered.

• 105.3 (“Live 105”): Long ago, 105.3 FM was a “Modern Rock” station. They played Depeche Mode, The Cure, New Order, and so on. Nearly all the DJs had fake English accents. In the early 90s, they switched to an “alternative rock” format and lost the silly accents (well, except for the one real English DJ). Everything was going swimmingly. But eventually 105.3 got bought out by the corporation that owns LA’s KROQ. The music took a change for the worse, and after a few months they got rid of my favorite DJ, Big Rick Stuart. I wasn’t exactly surprised — while 105.3 was still independent, Stuart had said some very choice things about the KROQ folks. So that was that.

  Anyway, in the mornings Live 105 syndicates Howard Stern. Howard Stern is just so mind-numbingly bad, I can only listen to him if I make a game out of it — how long can I stay tuned before changing the channel? It’s like holding your palm over a candle flame, or clutching an ice cube in your fist. I suppose only Michael Savage gives Stern a run for his money in that department. In any case, not my cup of tea at 8am.

• 97.3 (“Alice”): Bay Area pop radio is pretty straightforward. Live 105 is the boy station, Alice is the girl station. There is some overlap (Nickelback, U2). But simply put, Alice is your Jewel/Alanis Morissette/Sheryl Crow channel, and Live 105 is your Fred Durst/Tool/System of a Down channel. For what it’s worth, I can’t help listening to Alice on occasion. They play Shakira every once in a while, and God help me, I can’t get that woman’s songs out of my head.

  In the mornings — ah, they’ve got the “Sarah and Vinnie” show. Unlike Howard Stern, Sarah and Vinnie are merely inane. (From a recent discussion on religion: “I dunno, you’ve got to, like, believe in something…” “No way, man. Goin’ to church sucks.”) I can actually handle them for thirty minutes or so… but really, we can do better. Can’t we?

• 104.9 (“Channel 104.9”): Channel 104.9, owned by Clear Channel Communications, is Live 105’s competitor. We’re all not supposed to like Clear Channel — Eric Boehlert at Salon.com says so. But I don’t worry myself too much over this. Whether the giant corporation that owns 104.9 crushes the giant corporation that owns 105.3 or vice versa makes little difference to me. The two stations almost have the same format, but 104.9’s is just a little more mediocre, and their ads and promotions are significantly more insipid, so I generally root for 105.3 (despite what they did to Big Rick Stuart).

  However, 104.9 is the only station that plays music in the morning. I have to give them credit for that. What a concept for morning radio — shut up and play the music! I don’t understand why this hasn’t caught on more.

• 101.3 (“Star 101.3”): What a tremendous disappointment this station has been. Also a Clear Channel station, they started out just a few years ago playing all 80’s music (on a different FM frequency). I was driving down the road and I started hearing old Madonna songs, Oingo Boingo, … whoa, what was this? For a while I was very happy. But then they moved to a new format (“your upbeat listen-at-work station!”), which meant that in addition to their lovely selection of cheesy 80’s music, they also started playing the dreck from the 90s and today. Not appreciated, not one bit.

  The 101.3 morning show involves Don Bleu, who has been a Bay area radio personality for… a really long time. His show involves the standard morning DJ hijinks. Prank calls, inane banter, a couple songs sprinkled here and there. I have listened to Don Bleu a number of times, and I have arrived at only one conclusion: he is a deeply cynical man. He could not possibly care less about the music he plays on his show — it could be rock, country-western, classical, death-metal, whatever. He would announce it in the same fake-enthusiastic wacky DJ voice, make a few prank calls, collect his paycheck, and go home. One thing to be said for that frothing right-wing nutcase Michael Savage — at least he seems to care about what he’s doing.

• 98.5 (“The Classic Rock Experience”): 98.5 claims that they’re the only station in the Bay Area that plays the Beatles. They might even be right. I don’t listen to 98.5 all that often, but every once in a while I tune in and just cruise down the highway with “Sweet Home Alabama” blaring, and I feel good about life.

  The 98.5 morning guy is Greg Kihn — yes, Greg Kihn of “Our Love’s in Jeopardy” fame. He might be an old, fat, washed-up rock star, but at least he seems to be happier and healthier than Ozzy Osbourne. As I’ve mentioned before, Kihn can be absolutely hilarious. Sometimes. My favorite absurd-Kihn story was the one where he had the bright idea to hire a classical orchestra — for some reason. I forget why. Anyway, he calls up a friend who has some orchestra connections. “How much are you willing to spend?” the friend asks. “200,” Kihn replies. “Oh, for that you could get the LA Philharmonic! Or the New York Symphony!” gushes the friend. “Great!” says Kihn. Well, no… it turns out that $200 would have been per musician per hour. “Well, who can I get for just $200?” asks Kihn, indignant. Kihn then plays a demo tape of said $200.00 orchestra. Imagine “Thus Spake Zarathustra” in the wrong key, with every wind instrument and screeching violin playing just a slightly different note, just sort of melting into total incoherence during the crescendo. I was driving on surface streets at the time, and I just pulled over and cried laughing.

So I suppose there are some alternative possibilities out there in Bay Area morning radio land. Greg Kihn. 104.9 in a pinch. Or maybe I should just pony up for a CD player in the car. Or learn Italian on tape or something. See what drastic measures they’ve forced me into?

Edit: I’ve just remembered, Roland West was not the lone English DJ at Live 105 back in the early 90s. I don’t know what I was thinking. Also, I’ve added a small example of Sarah and Vinnie’s inanity. You’re welcome
Edit 2: M’ris points out that 99.5 FM has “Beatles Wednesdays”, where they deign to play a few Beatles songs, anyway. So ack! I’ve been lied to. Greg Kihn should be ashamed to be associated with such rat-bastards.