For a week or two, I had been hanging around the local Apple Store, waiting for Master of Orion III for the Macintosh to come out. Of course, this is not the most efficient way to get a new game, but that’s okay — I just like the Apple Store aesthetic anyway. Although it was a bit disturbing when a middle-aged gentleman walked up to me and started asking me questions about the iMac line. I was totally confused, until I suddenly realized I was wearing half-rimmed glasses, a black polo shirt, black belt and shoes, and clean, pressed khakis. Suddenly it all made sense. The Apple Store aesthetic is a powerful force.

Well, finally Master of Orion III arrived. Now, some reviewers have complained that this game is too complicated and slow-paced. My response to that is: if you don’t like setting budgetary policy, managing local and empire-wide tax levels, zoning planetary developmental regions, and arguing over affairs of state with your peers in the Galactic Senate, well then I guess you’re not cut out to be a Galactic Overlord, are you?

The game does have its difficulties — most of which are obviated by simply giving up control and letting the AI do its work. Space combat is just one example. I’d like to be able to control my ships… but by the time I’ve manually selected all my task forces and given them orders, the enemy has already powered up weapons, launched fighter squadrons, swept me with sensors, identified and targetted my vessels, fired off a devastating missile salvo, destroyed half of my fleet, made off with my daughters, and keyed my car. So I have to give the battle AI full control. It’s kind of sad, but at least I get to watch a pretty light show. And I can still rotate the battlefield and zoom the camera in and out. I have a theory that doing this helps my forces, somehow.

Anyway, I thought I’d share the following account of the first game I managed to win on “Medium” difficulty. As Dave Barry likes to say, I swear I am not making any of this up.

My chosen species was the Imsaeis, a large, bloated race of floating gas giant dwellers. (The game documentation describes them as being outwardly “cheerful” and “agreeable”, while secretly “striving to be in control”.) The game began with a long phase of peaceful expansion, trade, and colonization. Life was good. But all of a sudden, another race launched a surprise attack on one of my worlds! Shocked and outraged, there was nothing to do but declare total war. I immediately went to my allies, through private channels and in the Senate. I begged them, bribed them, and even demanded that they assist me in the struggle — or at least condemn my attackers for their misdeeds. But nobody would agree to help. In fact, some of them even seemed angered by my behavior.

I would have to go it alone.

First the covert war began. My enemy had already infiltrated my territory with spies and saboteurs, with orders to blow up key buildings and demoralize my population. To root these agents out, I was forced to drastically increase my internal security measures (by adjusting the slider on the helpfully labelled “Oppressometer”). This led to not a small amount of unrest amongst my citizens. I also retaliated with my own spies, hoping to assassinate key leaders and probe the enemy’s technological capabilities.

Soon the “black ops” phase gave way to the war itself. My massive economy had enabled me to construct a mighty armada, which I launched deep into his territory. Our fleets met, and my larger numbers and superior technology carried the day. I soon achieved space superiority and began landing troops. But to my great surprise, his ground resistance proved particularly tenacious, and I was forced to order my troops to hold their ground while I called in reinforcements. Eventually I managed to sweep his organized armies and his local militia forces aside. And thus the war was over, and his population properly pacified. Err, liberated.

Shortly thereafter, all the other species recognized that my military and economic superiority gave me an overwhelming lead over them all. So they all banded together and did the only logical thing they could… they elected me President of the Galaxy, ending the game on a peaceful and happy note.

I’m pretty sure that this is how these things generally work out.