When The Matrix Reloaded was released early this summer, one of the more bizarre criticisms of the film was that it lacked vampires and werewolves. Even more astonishing was that one of my oldest and bestest friends agreed.

I thought the issue was dead and buried (hee!)… but, err, no. Behold Underworld: a rather hastily-thrown-together port of the Matrix look-and-feel, complete with hordes of monstrous werewolves and vampires lurking in the shadows.¹ Oh, there are some cosmetic differences. The grim faced warrior-babe in black pleather is played by Kate Beckinsale; the confused surfer dude who might have mysterious, untapped superpowers is played by… some guy from Felicity. But there you go — the Matrix with lots of guns and swords and vampires and werewolves. With a Romeo-and-Juliet spin. Sam and I saw it last night, and all I have to say is, happy now, Sammy? Actually, I already know the answer to that question.²

In Other News: Idiotic Newspaper Columnist Excoriates Idiotic Sun Trademark Policy. Now I hate picking on the Mercury News — it’s basically my hometown paper, and M’ris lobs enough stinkbombs their way as it is. I’m also trying to avoid using the word “idiotic”, because it’s really just a forceful reminder of how easily web writing can degenerate into childish namecalling. I’m approaching 30 now, and such behavior is unbecoming.³ That said, Dan Gillmor just gets under my skin. Maybe it’s his unrelenting histrionic tone. Or maybe a very good friend of mine happened to have the misfortune to have worked with him, and I now have plenty of (secondhand) Dan Stories. Whatever, the guy bugs me.

Now, as an ex-Sun employee, I have to say that while there are plenty of complaints one could make against Sun, being upset that they have a 3rd-party trademark policy is just obtuse. All 3rd-party trademark policies consist of silly, pedantic guidelines on how to properly string together product names. That’s essentially what trademark policies are. As one of Dan’s astute readers pointed out, Apple’s trademark policy for 3rd parties is quite similar to Sun’s. Meanwhile, Knight Ridder (Dan’s employer) neatly avoids this problem by simply forbidding all unauthorized usage of their trademarks whatsoever. Well, that’s much less idiotic.

What about other major computer companies? Perhaps they don’t have such “ridiculous rules.” Let’s see, here’s some ridiculous rules from IBM. Or what about Microsoft? Eeek, not only do they have a trademark policy, but they have specific guidelines just for the media. Outrageous! What about the First Amendment!? Freedom of the Press! I can just see Dan’s hysterical column/rant on that one. It practically writes itself.

But of course those are all giant world-dominating computer corporations. Wicked, bad, naughty, evil corporations. So what about warm, fuzzy open-source Red Hat? Nope, they’ve got a substantial trademarks section, complete with — wait for it! — examples for 3rd-party usage. Okay, but how ’bout OSDN, home of Slashdot and SourceForge and all that is Good and Right and True in the computer industry today? Turns out their statement on 3rd-party usage is buried in the OSDN Terms of Service: “Users may display or use the OSDN Marks and VA Marks only in accordance with OSDN’s and VA’s Trademark Use Guidelines.” Unfortunately, said “Use Guidelines” are helpfully not linked, and after struggling with OSDN’s site navigation and search engine, I soon gave up trying to find them. Perhaps OSDN has the smartest 3rd-party trademark guideline of all: the phantom guideline. At least that provides protection from what every company fears most: the mocking of journalists who, despite having over two decades of experience in the industry, don’t have the first clue about how trademarks work in the real world.

1. Not unlike Windows XP.

2. “No.”

3. Then again, Dan is much older than me and he uses “idiotic” freely. So what the heck.