So I’m looking through my official Voter Information Guide, and I have to say, I’m extremely disappointed that Libertarian Pat Wright, the ferret guy, is not running for governor. After some exhaustive research, I discovered the reason why: California has crushed his spirit.

I am no longer an advocate for ferret legalization. I don’t believe such freedom is a possibility in California.

I am ashamed of my state, and I am ashamed of my nation for invading and occupying Iraq (among other things). I do not believe the average person can have any impact on the government here in California or the USA. I further believe our state and nation are hopelessly corrupt.

Wow.

Fortunately we still have many other fine candidates in the race. Consider Independent candidate Trek Thunder Kelly, who has what can only be described as the most kick-ass website of all the gubernatorial candidates. Kelly caught my attention in the Voter Guide with his statement, which I reprint in full:

Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon. I will legalize drugs, gambling, and prostitution so that they may be taxed and regulated, the funds derived would subsidize the deficit, education, and the environment. I believe in peaceful resolutions backed by a strong military; I don’t care who you marry or have sex with.

Further investigation reveals that Kelly, a Venice Beach artist, is in his “blue period” (meaning that he currently wears nothing but blue). As for his diet: “I eat only tacos [tacos!!] and steak. I drink only water, salsa, and Cran-grape juice.” If you add bagels, egg salad, and pizza, that’s almost exactly my diet. Whoa. Oh, and beer at Poker Night. And by the way, continuing last entry’s theme concerning cheap drink, I have a confession to make: I’ve been drinking a heckuva lot of Coors Light at Poker Night these last couple of months. I know, I know. Call it my “Silver Bullet period”. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about cheap, very cold, nearly flavorless beer that seems to suit Poker Night just fine. Besides, it’s a good thing to avoid the fancy-schmantzy beers every once in a while and get down to your roots. I remember a couple of years ago my friend Brian accused me of being “elitist yuppie slime” because I had never eaten a TV dinner in my life. This coming from a man who has a physics degree from Harvey Mudd, an MBA from Columbia, and is on record as wanting to be our nation’s first Asian-American Secretary of State. As you can tell, it kind of stung.

So back to Trek Thunder Kelly. While I approve of many of his policies, I’m not so sure about that Seventh Seal stuff. Now I’ll admit I’m not as up on this newfangled “New Testament” as I should be, but I do know that this Armageddon thingy doesn’t seem very pleasant. So we’ll give Kelly a pass. The other gubernatorial candidate of interest is Republican Rich Gosse, whose Voter Guide statement consists of the following:

Single adults are the Rodney Dangerfields of our society. They “can’t get no respect.” I am the first candidate in California history to campaign on a Fairness for Singles Platform. [Emphasis his] Visit my website for my views on reducing crime, solving the budget crisis, and improving education.

I just might have to vote Republican in this election, because Gosse is totally on the right track. Singles are the Rodney Dangerfields of our society. Take the sad story of the “Marriage Penalty” (please!) It used to be that some married couples paid fewer taxes than they would have if they were single, and some paid more. But then some politicians invented the concept of the Marriage Penalty, which clearly had to be eliminated in order to Protect The American Family. The upshot is that now the tax code ensures that a single taxpayer pays more than an equivalent married couple under nearly all circumstances. Sounds fair to me.

Of course the real problem is that everyone loves to drone on about protecting marriage and family values and whatnot, and meanwhile nobody is out there lobbying for Us. The Single People. You know, the hardworking folks who are out there buying electronic gadgets, going out to concerts and restaurants, swilling countless liters of booze, and basically keeping the damn economy afloat. Clearly we single people need a lobby of our own. And maybe a March on Washington. Sure, there was a Million Mom March, but I’ll take the Million Singles March any day. Seriously, after the march was over, whose post-March party would you want to go to?