The writing team at my company is split between California and New Hampshire. I was feeling a bit punchy last Friday, which led to this email…

From: Evan Goer
Sent: Friday, February 04, 2005 12:57 PM
To: Tech Comm — US
Subject: Need assistance!

Hi all,

It looks like I’m going to be rooting for the Pats (aka “The Good Guys” aka “The Ego-less Team Players” aka “The Flying Elvises”) in this Sunday’s Superbowl. However, the problem is that I don’t think one can successfully root for the New England Patriots without using proper diction. So I’ve been practicing with phrases such as:

“You cahn’t beat da Pats, Braydee is wicked pissah, best QB evah.”

Is that reasonably accurate? Any thoughts on vocabulary, intonation, …? I don’t have much time to get this all down before the big game!

advTHANKSance,

Evan

Among the various responses, this one was my favorite:

From: B
Sent: Friday, February 04, 2005 1:47 PM
To: Evan Goer; Tech Comm — US
Subject: RE: Need assistance!

Evan,

As I am not a New Englander by birth, I think I can help you out with a few things I have picked up over the years. Here are some pointers:

• Instead of calling your friends by their Christian name, call them ‘broth-ah’ or ‘kid’. For example, “What’s up, brothah?” or “Can you pass me those nachos kid?”

• If you do not yet have one, try to befriend someone with the last name of Sullivan. To be a true New Englander you must have a friend you can call ‘Sully’.

• I know this is unlikely, but should you be in an area with snow… Act like you are SHOCKED that it is snowing… As if snow in the middle of January was absolutely the last thing you would have ever expected.

• Regardless of snow, make sure to keep the conversation on the weather. What did it do today? What did it do yesterday? Does today’s weather remind of sometime 7 years ago when it was also cold out? Etc. Also, make sure that no matter what you have asked for in the past, you must complain about the present. If it is hot, say you wish it was cold. If it is cold, say you wish it was hot.

• If you run out of weather topics, talk about traffic and directions. Impress your friends with a new shortcut you found, dazzle them with tales of long commutes.

• Not only buy scratch tickets, but actually know the numbers of the individual games. Instead of asking for a “Pot-of-Gold, Lucky Horseshoes, and an Aces High.” You should be able to go into any corner store and order a “5, 18, and a 23” and know exactly what games you are getting.

• Learn the complete lyrics to both the Foxwood’s and 1-800-54-GIANT songs. (The wonder of it all!!!)

• Know that the Green Monster is NOT a Sesame Street character.

• Jimmies are chocolate only. Sprinkles are multi-colored.

• Throw out all of your jelly and replace it with Fluff.

• Know that REAL chow-dah is thick and creamy. NOT red and watery!

• Last but not least, just enjoy the fact that New England is home to the WORLD CHAMPION NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS AND BOSTON RED SOX!!!!!!!!!…. And if all else fails, say something crude and vulgar about the Yankees!

I hope this helps. Have fun.