Although my job has been great so far, there are a few minor issues. I once thought that the greatest danger was fellow employees who can’t park. But now a new threat has reared its ugly head — spiders!

Admittedly, the common California garden spider isn’t quite up to the standards of the horror show that we refer to as “Australian wildlife”. But they sure look wicked, and there are lots of them. Most of them have freaky markings on the legs, and all of them have bloated, distorted abdomens. I’m not sure why the spiders around my neighborhood look nothing like the spiders down at work, but I’m guessing that the latter are benefiting from their proximity to the marsh, and an abundant food source. Moths, flies, butterflies, small joggers… you name it.

Last year the spiders were bad, but this year, they’re getting organized. Walking around the trails behind campus, I’ve found shrubs and reeds completely cobwebbed, with a dozen or more spiders all sharing the same web. I didn’t think spiders could do that. A few weeks ago I brought my concerns to my coworkers at lunch:

Me: So in conclusion, there are tons of giant spiders out there in the marsh, living communally. Aren’t you a little freaked out by that?

Coworker #1: Oh wow, so you mean that we’re surrounded by Communist giant spiders?

Coworker #2: Jeez, what could possibly be worse than Communist giant spiders?

(pause)

Coworker #3: Married gay giant spiders?

Incidentally, I’ve heard that over the last couple of years, gay marriage has been polling very well in the spider community, among males at least…