Every winter, half the office gets taken out by illness. We call it “the Super Plague”, “the Creeping Crud”, “the Plague of Death.” It’s brutal.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling the tell-tale signs. Scratchy throat, low energy. Uh-oh.

But today I woke up feeling… totally fine! One hundred percent! Yes my friends, the famous Goer immune system, the same one that ensured the survival of prehistoric Goers, kicked in… and kicked ass.

So this is my post where I dance in the endzone, taunting the entire Team Virus defensive line. In your FACE, Team Virus! In your face!

Sam B.:

To answer your question, I would LOVE a nanny state to turn down the volume for me. Be nice if they can find the remote while they are at it.

“Thanks, Nanny State!”

“No problem, citizen.”

I have been given authority to use “all necessary measures” to put the baby to sleep tonight.

“He is the one baby on the floor we’re not remotely worried about,” said the nurse as she looked at his vitals on the monitor.

He is able to lift his head easily.

He has nearly a full head of hair.

He is alert, present, curious.

He is nursing like a champ.

He is so handsome.

We are so fortunate.

P: I think we should go down into the pit and kill the giant spider.

N: No! We should make friends with it. It’s like, the perfect garbage disposal.

S: You can’t make friends with a giant spider.

N: Why not? Its head is big enough, it’s probably got a big enough brain in there.

S: But the only thing it wants to do is eat you. Hard to get past that.

N: All we have to do is keep it well-fed. If we give it what it wants, it’ll be friendly.

S: Look, let me put it to you this way. Could you be friends with a BLT?

N: Sure I could be friends with a BLT, if it was always next to a big fucking pizza!

When I was a single guy, I was given to understand that once you got married, your weekend would be taken over by the dreaded “Honey do” list. Fix this, clean that, go to the store for X, Y, and Z, fix this other thing… Sounded pretty scary!

Well, fast forward to today. This Saturday’s Honey Do list consists of the following:

• take out trash and recycle
• fold and put away clothes

I get the feeling Sarah isn’t bringing her A Game.

Update: After seeing this post, Sarah added “Dishes” to the list. That’ll learn me!

Photographer credit: Jeff Cylwik

You are a software engineer with a wife and two young children. Your coworker “Evan” has invited you out for beers at The Faultline after work. The last two times you had to take a raincheck. This evening might actually work, except you’re supposed to get home early to play with the kids before bedtime.

Do you:

• A) tell Evan that you can’t make it this week, but next week for sure
• B) apologize to your family and promise to make up for it with extra play time at this weekend, cross your heart and hope to die
• C) growl, “You kids gotta learn about the cold cruel world sometime!” and slam the door on the way out

Hint: there is a right answer!

The first five people to comment on this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

• I make no guarantees that you will like what I make! What I create will be just for you.
• It’ll be done this year. (might be a little while)
• You have no clue what it’s going to be. It may be a story. It may be poetry. I may draw or paint something. I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows. Not you, that’s for sure!
• I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch? Oh, the catch is that you have to repost. We can all make stuff!!

(hat tip FutureSarah)

You can’t win, Adiv. If you strike her down, she shall grow more powerful than you can possibly imagine.